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" because its goal is not the defeat of evil but the protection of self"
ReplyDeleteIf an individual who is untrained at tochacha, and does not stand a chance at rectifying the evil, because it is so ingrained in the other's persona and self image. Why is this goal of self preservation so evil?
You raise a good point and, in retrospect, I perhaps should have been more careful with my words.
ReplyDeleteThere are two types of protection of self, the one to which you are referring and the one to which I am referring to the Insight. Yours is one that is based on a recognition of one's weakness and the possibility that rather than affecting the other positively the person himself/herself may be affected by the other's evil. This recognition is positive and causes one to be hesitant which is a good thing. While the basic thrust of the Insight was based on the pristine view of the mitzvah of tochecha which demands of us to confront the other, a look at the details of this mitzvah clearly warn us that this demand is only applicable if one is properly trained and able to enter into the battle. As the gemara states, the art of tochecha is lost. So your goal of self-preservation is clearly a good one and to be followed.
What I was referring to was something very different and, in the last paragraph I am actually more explicit about what I mean, "self-perception as better than the other." Oftentimes, people do not wish to confront what they perceive to be the evil one because of ego and the fear of the possibiity that they might be wrong which would affect their egotistical perception of self. This does not mean that they will necessarily see the evil person as not evil but in confronting this person, the whole situation may become more grey, it may not be so black-and-white and maybe this person attempting to give tochecha will end up seeing some problems in themselves. This is not protection of self as you defined it but rather, and mayber this is the term I should have used, protection of ego.
I think if I understood this correctly, you are saying that the evil of hating someone in your heart is that by failing to communicate your feelings to the other person, you are blocking anything productive happening from that hatred: eg, they apologize, they confront you and make you question your original cause of hating them, the two of you engage in conversation which will eventually lead to the issue being resolve and the tension dissipated.
ReplyDeleteBut what if there is nothing productive that can come from you voicing your feelings - in fact, only further harm? Like - let's say you resent or hate someone for something that will never change, and expressing that to them will only cause further conflict and hurt both individuals and others around them. Wouldn't the best thing to do in that case be to keep your feelings to yourself and hope that they change with the passing of time? Or work on it privately, to spare others' feelings?
In the laws of hoche'ach tochi'ach your concern actually has practical halachic application as, if your rebuke will have a negative effect, or even just be ignored, the obligation (with some exceptions) falls off. The purpose of rebuke is to have a positive effect and so any step in this regard has to be measured by its potential for success. It is such a consideration for the goal and potential outcomes that should also guide us in this case, in how to deal with negative feelings towards others. In this regard, at the most basic level, we have to recognize that just maintaining a negative feeling, just allowing it to fester, cannot be perceived to be a proper alternative. We have to do something about these feelings. That is the first step.
ReplyDeleteMy contention was then that the second step should then be communication. This does not mean that you should just go up to someone and rebuke them. What I believe the next step in this regard is to try and open the lines of communication -- and the goal of this should be over time. How this can be done is specific to each and every situation as you must consider the people involved. This, however, must be done in an atmosphere of honesty. One should also recognize that there are always two sides to a story. Once someone recognizes that there is the possibility that the one rebuking may actually end up being the one who has to apologize, already the wheels in the mind are turning in a manner that could lead to a positive conclusion.
There is a machloket between the Chafetz Chaim and R. Yisrael Salanter whether someone who spoke loshon hara against another has to ask for mechilla from this person in order to be granted teshuva. Of course, the general principle in regard to mitzvot bein adam l'chaveiro is that one must ask mechilla from the one that he'she injured in order to be granted teshuva. The Chafetz Chaim simply applies that to loshon hara and says that a person must ask for mechilla. R. Yisrael Salanter disagrees as finding out about the loshon hara, if the person was unaware of it, would cause the person pain and not causing this pain should take precedence. This case is not exactly similar to our case but it does indicate some of the dynamics. In the case of sina, I think that R. Yisrael Salanter's view would even have more weight because the goal is the conclusion of better relations and emotions.
Hoche'ach tochi'ach says that you should help the other improve themselves -- it is part of being with the collective of Israel. There is also, obviously, a requirement to also work on oneself. This may include learning how to be somewhat accepting of the weakness of others. In the end our emotions towards others are part of a dynamic reality. We need to recognize and respond within this dynamic.